Not Happy with the way I am right now.  Struggling to find a way to change it.

I suppose the biggest, ugliest, most glaring thing on my list of ‘What I hate about Me’ – is my weight.    I know, I know, I should NOT be putting so much focus on my size, shape or number…  Blame the airbrushed models, blame the opposite sex, blame the snooty girls that make cruel comments, blame the world.    The truth is that I (and every other girl that buys into that crap) have ALLOWED them to do this to us.   Yeah, wisdom from the peanut gallery – and while it’s true, it doesn’t make it any easier to overcome.      Anyway.  It’s the starting point for the downward spiral.

Not happy with my weight.  Let’s fix it – ok, eat better, eat less, work out more.   Great plan.

Except when it fails.  Except when *I* fail.   When I fail, it makes me beat myself up even more.    Maybe it would be different, if I hadn’t been in these shoes before.    Five years ago, I was huge.   I had fallen oblivious to what I was doing to myself and didn’t even realize what was happening until I saw a picture of myself.   5’2″ and 193lbs.   There. I said it.

I pulled my act together, and with a well of willpower and determination that has apparently flown the coop these days, I spent about a year on Weight Watchers and lost 63lbs.    That was 2006.   It was the best I felt about myself in years.   I had a surge of confidence.  I was wearing cute clothes and not afraid to go out and do things and be seen by the world.

Between 2007-2009 (er uh now) I … gave up.   I guess the ‘diet’ worked – but I failed to change my lifestyle.   Old habits returned and I’ve put on 30 of the 60lbs I’ve lost – holy crap.     Therein lies the biggest source of fuel for my self-abuse.

I HATE what I’ve done to myself.   It’s like I haven’t even learned my lesson.    And when I do try to get back on track, I go a week and then fall off the wagon again.   I can’t seem to figure out what’s changed.

When I last did this, I had no support system, no reason for wanting to do it, just, weight watchers and some DDR – every day, ate my points, did my dancing… tada.    Now that I have a team I want to play better for, a coach I want to skate harder for, a sport I know will improve if I lost those 30lbs again … I can’t stick with it?   W.T.F.   So, again, I end up yelling at myself, and thinking about how much I keep failing at this.

But, the circle doesn’t stop there.   I sit here moaning and groaning about being 30lbs overweight.  Yeah, it’s not good, but, geez… if that’s the worst of my worries, what the hell do I have to complain about?   I end up getting mad at myself for making this such a big deal.   Why should I be so distraught over this when there are people in the world that have way bigger hurdles to get past.   I’ll see shows about one-armed mountain climbers or a blind music prodigy that says he’s not disabled – his gifts come elsewhere… and I bitch about my oh so hard struggle to lose weight?
What gives.   Even more important.  How do I fix it?   What’s the core issue.  Where is the misfire?   Sure, it’s my own head.  I can talk myself into or out of anything.   But why, this time, is it so hard for me to talk myself into succeeding?   I’ve had more good things happen in my life in this last year, than probably in the last three combined – so why can’t I draw on that to get me going?

How do I stop making excuses?  How do I learn to build myself up?   What can I do to find, and hold onto, that motivation and determination?   More importantly, how can I /stop/ myself from being so angry at my past actions.   Is it really that hard to forgive yourself?   I guess I don’t really want to… I /am/ mad at myself.   I keep hearing “Look what you’ve thrown away!” and it drives me nuts.  I KNOW I’ve blown it!  I know.  And I do want to fix it – I just … can’t seem to figure out how.  I mean,  I know how…  but I can’t seem to get it to work for me.  Either by my own failings or … something else.

I mean, back in April, I worked out 30 days straight, AND ate 1200-1500 calories a day and lost not a single pound.  I think that was my last, full blown attempt that lasted more than a few days.   I felt like if I busted my rear THAT hard and got nothing … then, why bother?

So.  That’s my story.   That’s the reason why for the past few weeks I have been getting grumpier and grumpier.   Why I feel like giving up.  Why I feel so irritable.   Why I turned into a big, crabby, whiner.    (I hate whiners.  I don’t want to be a whiner.)

I’m sorry that I’ve been bemoaning so HUGELY over something so trivial.   I might as well be saying I need to sit out of a hockey game because I have a sore hangnail…   I’m sorry that I’m not living up to my potential on and off the ice because I am letting my weight and excuses hold me back.   I’m going to stop  making a fuss out of it.  I am going to take action.  Even if it’s one small step at a time.   And I’m going to stop bothering the rest of you with this crap because it’s so damn insignificant.      The whole story is out.   The reasons I get SO mad at myself are explained – and I’ll deal with it.

I promise that next season, not only will I be healthier, stronger and faster… but I’ll be more confident and … most importantly, stop being so damn hard on myself.

Yup, that time where I get all ‘serious’ about eating right, losing weight and getting more fit.   I still choose to believe that trying over and over and over again without success is better than not trying at all.

“There is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding and that lost by not trying.”

(Francis Bacon, Sr.)

See — even famous philosphers agree with it!  So, here I am trying again, hoping that this time it will stick forever and ever and ever.

Back in the spring of this year,  I busted ass and tried to get myself put together.   All that effort was met with frustration as I lost not a single pound and felt as if nothing I was doing mattered.   I had been tracking my calories and exercising every day.  Literally, every day.   I have the calories burnt chart to prove it.   I didn’t drop a single pound and in the end I looked back and said, “Why the hell am I depriving myself EVERYTHING for nothing!?!”    What followed was a whole summer and autumn of not doing anything right.    I can only think that were it not for my hockey addiction, I probably would have put back on ALL my weight.

Well now – I look at myself and get angry.  Ok, so that’s not new.   I guess maybe this is sorta normal if you consider I just had a birthday.   Why is it that birthdays and holidays so easily lead one to thinking and dwelling on things?   Or maybe it’s because while cleaning up I found pictures of when I DID manage to lose the 63lbs of chub’n'fat back in 2005-2006?   Man, I looked good then.   And not just physically.  You could tell I had this new-found confidence.    I want that back.   All of it.

I wanna be able to go clothes shopping without being depressed.  Or get in on a picture and not think about being the fattest one in it.   I wanna have killer legs again.  And a righteous rump.  I wanna be stronger.  More in shape.  More fit.  Man!!  I can’t even FATHOM how much easier hockey will be if I wasn’t lugging around an extra 30lbs.  Would I be faster?  More agile?  Get knocked down easier?  LOL

The bottom line is, maybe if I look at this as something that is crippling me… by my own choices even… then I will be more likely to stick with it.  SERIOUSLY stick with it.    My choice to eat poorly and not be fit is limiting me.    And I hate being limited.   I’ve always said I will never let someone tell me I am too old to do this, or too small to do that, or too girly to do this…  and for the most part I don’t.   It’s me.  I’m my own worst enemy because I’ve let …something, convince me I can’t do this.

Well Nay.   Another year older You’ve added a new number to your age – so with it, lets add a new lifestyle.     First step.   Come up with a goal, and your reason for it.

My Goal :  I want to lose 16lbs by Jan 24th.  (First hockey game of 2010)

How:  Eating healthier foods in MUCH healthier portions.   Exercising everyday, even if it’s a light, 30m walks on non-hockey days.  Lift weights.  (Or else my linemate will kick my butt… seriously, I’ve seen her do push ups.)

I just went 30 days without having a SINGLE sour-gummi worm because a friend bet me I couldn’t.     So, an additional, hard-core but necessary step to this plan.   No McDonalds at all for 64 days.  (That will break my last record of 63 days.)

Less eating out too.   Which will also help my pocketbook.   Which lordy, we know that could use some help.   (Seriously, can’t I ever find an inexpensive hobby to pick up?)     That means cooking ahead.  Not waiting to the last minute.    I also need to find alternate ways to get out at lunch since I hate eating at my desk because then I feel cheated out of a break… and going OUT leads to eating out.

When I’m out with you people… yes, YOU people!!  Help me out!   I’m gonna limit beer to only on Friday nights.  (Or Saturday night if it’s a game night.)   If we’re eating out someplace, and you hear me ordering the double stacked nachoes with extra meat and cheese, kick me in the shin and comment about how yummy lettuce is.   Don’t let me bail out of my workouts no matter how much I complain about them.   Remind me that Geno probably works out twice a day and that hockey players are tougher than regular people.

Most importantly…  at the end of it all, when I’ve lost the 16lbs (and have 14 left to go) … even if you have to lie, tell me I am SO MUCH FASTER now that I’ve lost the weight!  

Here goes Nay.  It’s time to think, eat and move like the healthy, active woman you want to be.   You don’t let other people discourage you from what you want… so stop letting your own doubts sabotage yourself.   You’ve done this before.   Do it for keeps now.    Make this change stick and never look back.

You are amazing.

You are stronger than you think you are.    You’re determined and you’re ballsy.

You don’t give up and you don’t let the voices of the world dictate what you can or can’t do.    You are your own woman.

You strive for excellence; hell you work your ass off for it.   It doesn’t matter what level you’re competing at– you want to be better because the feeling of pride that comes at the end of hard work and progress is amazing.   Completely amazing.

You play for yourself; for the rush of excitement and the feel of your body moving in ways that you didn’t think possible just a short while ago.  You play  for your teammates; for the bonds that are formed when you find people that share the same goals, and mindsets… and insecurities and fears and hopes.   You play for your coach; for that encouragement that they give win or lose.  For the chance to make them go wild with excitement when you pull off something spectacular –something they’ve known was in you and have worked with patience and determination to get out.

You play because it makes you feel alive.  Strong.  Young.

You play because you’re able to play, and you’re thankful for the ability to play every time you step out there.   What you couldn’t imagine doing three months, six months, a year ago… now you can’t imagine the day you won’t be doing this   …and you won’t stop.   There is no stopping- and we all know and accept this.

This experience has made you stronger.  Tougher.  It’s made you more determined than ever and so much bolder.

Do NOT sell yourself short.

Do not discredit all that you’ve accomplished because you think you’ve failed at one thing.  Don’t belittle yourself and do not nit pick and anguish over every little thing that falls short of your expectations (demands) of perfection.

You deserve more credit than you give yourself.     This path is not quick or easy and it is not for the soft.  You’re already on this path – you’re already something more than you were before you took that first step.

You’re a hockey player.

I went there last with a borrowed jersey hanging loosely over layers of  jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts and long underwear.   The journey at that time of year for a young Penguin was, of course, harsh and cold but it was made none-the-less with an eagerness that is rarely matched.

Except for this year of course.

The last journey was a brand new experience for our young adventurer.  A drive to the Metra, the Metra to downtown.   The sharp bite of the Windy City’s namesake during the walk from one station to the next.   Scarves pulled up over nose and mouth to make breathing that arctic like air a little easier.  Amtrak – another train.  A night of rumbling, shifting, jostling and … the comfort and reassurance of having your closest friend there.    Freight trains!  Hah!  Every storm of thunder that rocked by proof of a freight train passing in the night.    Then the peek of a sunrise as we rolled ever forward to the east.

Clouds, snow, the gritty look of the nations steel city as it endured through the winter.  A shared bench seat.   A laptop, back when having laptops was still kinda leet, a shared earbud set — one bud for each of us.

Mystery Alaska.

Mmmm, Russell Crowe.

The Igloo – as seen from the sidewalk as you exit the Amtrak station.   Shopping.  Oh the shopping.   THE… THE BEST PENGUINS HAT EVER.   Which I still have, and feel bad about sweating stains into … repeatedly.

Getting to our seats and going OH WHOA, I am so close!!!!   The Jumbotron.     Seeing the reactions of the people when they asked where we were from.  “Chicago.”    -  “You’re rooting for the Penguins?”   – “Yeah.”

Pictures on the glass.  Lemieux jerseys.

“Blackhawk Down”   Too funny!!

The little dive of a bar after the game.   The waiting at the Amtrak for the train to come.   Oh so so tired.    Ahhhh sleeper car.   Am I too hot or too cold.   Do I leave the longjohns on or try to pull that slick move of taking off one pair of pants from underneath another.

There are parts of that trip I don’t even remember.   Things I should remember, like the score.  Who won.  What I ate.  But I don’t.  It’s all the little sights and sounds and glimpses of a memory I won’t ever forget.   I’d never done anything like that before.  It was my first train trip, and my first NHL game.   It was the beginning of something that would never be completely snuffed out even if the flame wasn’t always tended.

It was only several years ago, and yet it was also a lifetime ago.   Things have changed.  People have come, gone, returned, been refound.   But that small flicker of light there, that something extra special, was never extinguished.

I go back now as a new person.  In some ways, a work in progress over many of those years.   In more ways, a product of a newer, more recent revolution- one that was shaped largely by that small spark from years ago that never quit on me.

This year, I go with a collection  of my own shirts and jerseys to wear.  I go not with curiosity and eagerness, but with excitement and pride.   I go with gratefulness.   With memories never forgotten and with the reassurance of new ones to be made.   I can already see the smiles.  The snapshots of the pictures we’ll take.  The laughter.  The reminiscing.

It’s a second chance- but one that already has a happy ending.

The Penguins are the Stanley Cup Champions!!

And tomorrow,  I am going to see them raise the banner and lift the Cup on their home ice.    If you asked me five years ago if I thought I would be doing this… the answer would have been not in a million years.    I am so thankful for this chance.   I am so grateful that, like Mario’s promise to the Penguins the night before Game 7… I am able to ‘meet you at center ice’.    It may not be center ice technically… but for me, and for the story that continues to mirror so many parts of the lives nearest and dearest to me.   It is close enough.

It is definitely close enough.

This past weekend I played in my first official, league-scheduled hockey game.  (And second for that matter.)  Wow!  What excitement, what adrenaline, what absolute fun!!!!!!   …. what was I thinking!?!  PANT PANT PANT PANT.  I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been screaming all night at a rock concert only to realize that raspy feeling in my throat was from having panted so desperately for breath during the game.  Now, I am not belittling myself here because, by means of my handy dandy Polar Heart Rate monitor, I know that I have already improved my cardiovascular health quite a bit…  But boy do I have room for improvement.

It lead to my thinking about what would help me improve my endurance out there.   Because, really… I want to be able to come off of every shift feeling like I played 110% and gave the team my full effort and my best execution of … whatever it is I am trying to do out there during my shift.   I thought back to when I was much heavier than I am now, and how sluggish I was.  So, the first thought was, ‘Gee.  Shed 20lbs and that’s 20 less pounds you’re asking your stubby little legs to cart around.’   Ok, good start.  But that brings us back to the whole focusing on watching the little flashy numbers go down on the scale.    What else would improve my endurance out there?

How about being stronger?   Arms, legs, core?   The more strength they have, the more efficiently they are able to do what I ask of them.   Aha!   So yeah, let’s get serious about adding in the strength training again.   Woman cannot live on ice time alone.   (Unless we’re doing army crawls and push ups out there… *coughahem* Not that I am ASKING for that.)   What else…

Lungs.  Lungs.   Do not dare suggest running to me because I hate it… there must be some other way to get this part of the picture improved.   Let’s go to the handy dandy internet.   I begin my search for ‘off ice endurance training for hockey’ —- Wheeeewboy!  This is a topic that has been around the block a few times.   I started cutting and pasting clips of info from various articles that spoke about what I was after, and here is my post about them.

One of the first ones that came up was sleep.  Rest.  Sleep.  Fatigue.  Rest.  I noticed that most of our team seemed less get-up-and-go on Sunday’s game.   And then I read this:

“Eight to ten hours of sleep are absolutely necessary throughout the hockey season. This cannot be stressed too heavily. If you do not get this much rest, fatigue will surely hit you – probably around play-off time, too.”

Huh?!  Sleep?   They recommend SLEEP during your season?   When are you supposed to squeeze that in?!   And not just 5-6 hours, but 8-10?   That’s half a day!   Geez.   But then I thought about how I felt on Sunday’s game after staying up late Friday night, getting up early Saturday, being active on Saturday as well and staying up late, and getting up early again on Sunday.  I /started/ off feeling less energetic than I was on Friday – and Friday I was contending with killer nerves too.  Ok, so they got something on this.   Eight hours huh?  I think I can make a conscious effort to pull that one off.  And knowing that I rarely sleep in past 8:30am… that means I have to account for the extra sleep on the other side.   Grumble.   Put it in perspective… what’s gonna feel better, 3 beers the night before, or 3 goals the night after.    (Hee, ok that answer is totally going to be situational, and we’ll play it by ear.  Just, now we have already set the expectations on how things will play out based on which answer we go for.)

Hockey specific endurance…

“The thing to remember about the endurance needed in hockey is that you must go at top speed for very short periods of time. Then you rest for a longer period than you worked. During a game, forward lines are usually on the ice for about 60 to 90 seconds. They may rest for two minutes or so before returning.

Test your endurance in practice from time to time. Can you go up and down the ice at top skating speed for 20 seconds? 30? 60? Build gradually to this peak, using regular rest times between bursts. This is a well-known technique of track conditioning – a form of interval training.”

Ok, that makes sense.  And it’s something you can do at home, at the gym.  On a treadmill, elliptical, stair-climber.  Anything.   And lucky for me, heeeeey, it’s not just running for an hour.  I can pull this off.   They also suggest keeping an index card handy so you can keep track of your progress.   Ah, and training intensity… the topic below here.  Another reassurance that NayNay doesn’t have to go jogging for an hour.  I like this article!

Training Intensity…

“Perhaps the most pernicious phrase in all of hockey performance training is “aerobic base.” It may be comforting to believe that spending an hour jogging, or performing any other low-intensity activity, will benefit athletes in a game, but it won’t. Hockey does not reward those who can go slowly for long periods of time—it rewards those who can go fast, and then recover quickly to do so again.”

Strengthening where it Counts…

“Nearly all movement in hockey (skating, stopping, turning, shooting, checking) results from a weight-shift from one leg to the other. Ignac Kavets, a Slovenian hockey player and coach, once watched a group of my college players struggling to perform one-legged squats at a hockey camp. He stared, unimpressed, as one after another wobbled about in an attempt to perform a few repetitions.

Finally, he shook his head impatiently, and promptly did a set of 20 perfect reps on each leg. When he finished, he turned to me and said, “You must never forget, my friend, that hockey is a game that is played with the legs, legs, legs!” I could only nod. Point taken: My off-ice program had missed the mark.

I have learned that players must be able to produce and reduce force—with balance and control—on one leg. Two-legged exercises, such as squats and squat-jumps certainly play an important part in developing hockey-specific strength and power. But proficiency at single-legged movements must be a priority. (For an example of a series of single-leg squat exercises, see “Shark Legs” below.)”

Shark Legs
“The “Shark Legs” program can help hockey players develop the single-leg strength needed to succeed on the ice. Athletes should stay as low and well balanced as possible throughout the entire exercise.”

One-leg squat and hold: Lower yourself into the “down” position of the one-leg squat and hold your balance in that position for five seconds. Return to the starting position and repeat on the other foot.

One-leg squat and stride out (skater’s strides): Lower yourself into a one-leg squat and extend the raised leg laterally without changing your upper-body position. Hold for a five-count. Return to the starting position and repeat on the other foot.

One-leg squat and rotation: Lower yourself into a one-leg squat and rotate the raised knee out and back (like it is a gate swinging open) without changing your upper-body position. Hold for a five-count. Return to the starting position and repeat on the other foot.

One-leg squat and skater’s circles: Lower yourself into a one-leg squat and make five giant circles with the toe of your raised leg, barely touching the floor.

One-leg squat and skater’s kicks: Lower yourself into a one-leg squat and kick your raised foot forward and backward, full extending your leg five times in each direction.

Source on above info:
http://www.momentummedia.com/articles/tc/tc1407/noiceproblem.htm

Ok, next big thing I suck at.  Eating.  When to eat and what to eat.  I suck if I have no fuel, and I suck if I have too much fuel!   I found this example on what to eat when and I think I will give it a try.

Eating before a Game…

“Nothing is worse than practicing or competing while you’re so hungry that your mind is on your stomach instead of your performance. For pre-hockey meals and snacks, a little planning can make a big difference in your on-ice success. Choose foods that are high in carbohydrate, they will give you the quick energy without slowing you down. The general rule of thumb is this: 30 minutes-1 hour before competition, choose liquids such as a sports drink or water. If you eat 1-2 hours before playing, a small snack such as a cereal bar, grapes or apple juice will empty out of your stomach by the time you hit the ice. If you eat 2-3 hours before, having a small meal of a 1/2 turkey sandwich, banana and sports drink would be appropriate. If you have 3-4 hours, a regular-size meal such as pasta and meat sauce, salad, bread and water is ideal.”

So, it has me thinking about a strength training regime, an interval regime, and of course, healthful eating.   Add all those things into a recipe that already had 3-4 nights of skating a week and what do you get?

A lifestyle that is working to be healthy, fit and full of energy for one, but also one that will have a lovely side effect of shedding pounds as we go along for the ride.    In short.   I have found my motivation for really sticking to the wagon and getting these last 20lbs off.   I want to FEEL better when I am playing.   Whether I score ten goals or no goals, whether I win one hundred face offs or none at all.   Whether I stay upright, or spend half my shift on my rear end… I want to feel like my body is up to the challenge of what I am asking of it.  Sure, the more I play and practice, the better I’ll get with shooting and stick handling and skating and deking and making solid plays.   But how I /feel/ while I am out there is something I can be in control of almost immediately with a few changes.  And I am going to work on those.

I mean come on… trying to skate with an extra 20-25lbs would be like grabbing a Thanksgiving Turkey and strapping it to your back while you were on the ice.  Talk about tiring yourself out faster than you need to!!  And the smell….  Well, alright, the smell might be an improvement from the stank of hockey gloves.

Normally I’d set a date for when I want to accomplish a weight loss goal, but in effort of sticking to my new plan and my new motivation- I’m not.  My goal is that every game I play, I will be well rested, well fueled, and I will recover from my shifts a little bit better than I did the game before.

That, and I’m gonna be able to beat anyone at Indian Leg Wrestling!   Ok… maybe not /any/ one.  There are some ringers on the team after all.

Here’s to ditching the turkey!

I found that on a random quote site today and was amazed at how much those words spoke to me.  I mean, sure there are limits to it; I could say, “I think I am a sabre tooth tiger,” and there would be absolutely no reality to it.   I think for me, it’s more about the intent.

What /do/ I see when I look at the mirror?  Nothing good.  Why?  – Because I focus only on the negative.    I have stamped into my mind a repetetive and demeaning mantra of what I am -or what I’m not for that matter.    Or, worse, how I compare to the rest of the world.

And it’s not that I don’t have something to offer.  It’s that I don’t /think/ about what I have to offer, or what makes me awesome.   For example:

1) I play hockey. (Duh, like you didn’t see that one coming.  It’s the big, bright, shiny new awesome thing, so it makes it on the list first.)   It takes balls to play hockey.  It takes even more (and bigger) balls  to pick up something you’ve never done at an age when most would say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.   This rocks.   (And so do the rest of my Rampage chicks for that matter!)

2) I /never/ say I am too old for something.  If there’s one thing I have no issues with it’s that whole age-numbers thing.   They don’t bug me.  Seriously.  26, 36, whatever… I will do what I want, when I want because my NUMBER does not define my limits.

3) I like being silly.   I like that I am able to cut back and be a goof when the time is right.  I like that I can shrug off what ‘the world’ would think of me doing ‘this or that’ and just do it because it feels good or because it will make me or my friends smile or laugh.

4) I’m generous.   Of my money sure, but more importantly, of my heart and my time and my effort.   I can put my own wants aside to help a friend or a loved one, or to do something for them that I know will mean a lot.  My generosity makes me feel good in turn.   Fewer things in life are sweeter than the hug you get from someone you made a difference for.

5) I’m forgiving.  I don’t think I can even name an example of someone in my life that’s gotten to ‘their last chance’ with me.  Maybe some day I might reach that point, but it’d have to be pretty major.   Like, burn my house down and kidnap my hockey gear major.   And my type of forgiveness isn’t just a ‘ok we can try again’ – it’s a fresh start to an old beginning.  I don’t hold on to the crap from before, I hold onto the good stuff from before and rebuild off it.

6) I give with my whole heart.   Despite a much debated fear of loss, I can’t help but give in wholeheartedly when it comes to feelings and emotions.  That means people don’t get a half-assed Nay when it comes to loyalty and fondness  and all that other CareBear Stuff.

7) I’m active.  Forget the size of my legs or what notch the belt currently sits at.  I am capable of moving- not only capable, but I thrive when I do it.  I hike, I kayak, I ride horses, I play hockey, I bike.   I already do these things!! Regardless of my size, weight, serial number and blood type.  Go me!

I have a thousand and one interests, and that keeps growing by the day!  Seriously.  I am a serious jack of all trades when it comes to things I enjoy.  And that means there are a thousand and one people out there that I can connect with in at least one thing or another.  I’m sporty, yet cultured, I like hockey and a night at the symphony.   I play video games, and MMO’s and hang out at friends house to do whatever.  I like music, and yard work.   I enjoy photography and comics.   Horseback riding and road trips.   I am anything but dull!   There is SO much I enjoy!

9) I have pretty awesome blue eyes.  I mean they’re blue, but there’s hints of brown in them, and they change colors depending on the lighting and what I wear, and when I smile, you can see my smile in them.

10) … I should round this off with ten.  But it’s 4 minutes till the clock strikes 5pm and that’s quitting time.   Alas, we’ll have to wait for Mirror in the Wall Part Deux!

It frustrates me to no end that I can have such powerful ‘moments’ of motivation and yet seem to be so lacking on the follow through.   Is it fear of failure that keeps me from staying the path?   It is laziness?  Is it just a lack of confidence and/or a belief that whatever it is I am inspired to do ‘cannot be done’?   What if it’s any or all of these things — how do you counter that?

How do you explain that with at least one of these things, I have already been successful in the past?  So… how is it that I think it’s impossible to do?   I’m angry at myself.  SO angry about that one.  Maybe I can’t succeed again until I forgive myself – but I don’t see an easy path to that – I am so hard on myself.

Lately I have wanted to really pull together and get my Inner Me sorted out.   Granted, I have come leaps and bounds since a year ago.   The last five months of my life has been a whirlwind of growing for me.  Maybe that’s why I am so hungry for more- I guess I don’t like the whole ebb and flow of growth.  I want it to be progress progress progress.

I debate about how totally open I want this post to be.   Part of me says, Write it.  Get it out.  The other part is saying, “Don’t be stupid you crazy bitch!  Hide that stuff or people will think you’re nuts!”  I feel like I already hide too much sometimes, and if you get too good at hiding yourself, soon you won’t know who /you/ are anymore.  Of course, the flip-side of opening up is the idea I will sound so horribly emo that Sally Hansen will start donating me boxes of black nail polish.

Throughout my life,  I have come across dozens of interests that became ‘passions’ for me.  When I was very young, it was horses.  I took riding lessons (despite being allergic) as often as my parents could afford them.  I wasn’t a natural at it, nor did I stick out among the other children as being good.  It didn’t matter.  I was on a horse and in love with having the opportunity to be doing that.  I also played piano.  Again, just to enjoy doing it.    Junior High came and my passion was my church youth group.  All of my time and energy went to them and the activities we’d have.  I also ran track for my school and I was pretty fast as far as sprinting went.  (Cannot do distance at all.)   I ran anchor for the 8th grade 100m relay team while I was in 7th grade, and I managed a few first places which boosted my confidence.

High school was rough for reasons I won’t get into right now, but by the end of my sophomore year, I, out of nowhere decided that I wanted to play the saxophone.  Well I did.  And this was one of my first experiences of picking up a hobby and sort of, kind of, excelling at it.   I fell in love with music and made friends easily in the music department of the school.  Halfway through my junior year, I asked if I would be able to join the highest band for my senior year on sax.  My teacher told me that he only accepted two alto sax players for the high band and it usually goes to those who have tenured through the system.   Disappointed by unwavering, I asked, “Well, what about trumpet instead then?”   He said, “We take six to eight of those, the chances would be better… but you don’t play trumpet.”   I switched.   (Actually, I played both for a time… which was a pain hauling onto the bus lol.)

By the time tryouts had come for symphonic band at the end of the school year, I had made it… not on saxophone, but on trumpet.  Granted, I practiced daily.  After school, at home, with my friends, everything.    Senior year proved to be my best year yet at school.   I made district band, I went to state competition, and I composed a song for a writing contest that took 3rd place in state.  Deciding I wanted to be a music teacher, I started learning the other instruments; french horn, trombone, percussion, took music theory class where I composed a quintet as my final project.  I was soaring.

Then things get funny.   I’m not sure what happened.   For starters, none of my older siblings ever went to college, and the bumps in my family’s life had sort of put college stuff off the radar.  In short.  We had no clue.  My counselor at high school sucked too.  Needless to say, my fear of ACT’s and SAT’s were never challenged.  And thus, I never took them.  And my dreams of college (Four year) after high school were kapoot.  COD was a failure for me.  And I stopped going.   I gave up on my music, and I focused on the piddly little job I got at the arcade.

Soon, I put all my effort into that.  I was proactive at that job.  I brain-stormed activities, I wrote newsletters, handled the marketing calendar, all sorts of stuff.   I was also extremely active off hours, and in the peak of my best physical form.  Heck, I was almost a hottie!    I had lots of friends, got my first boyfriend, and (second, and third, etc etc.)  Life was good because I had an outlet for my energy and my creativity.  I was validated by the praise of my bosses, the cheers of my teammates for lazer tag teams, (yeah, haha, I am a gamer chick, and yes I embrace it!) and the amusement I got out of watching boys react to the fact I could play video games and lazer tag and other typically ‘boy stuff’.

After that, I moved on to other jobs.  Lazertag closed down and that was no longer a part of my life.   I kept in touch with those friends, (haha, and still have even to this day) but that chapter was closed.

The next few years were pretty barren for me.  Thinking back, I can’t even remember anything that grabbed my passion.  Small interests maybe, a lot of unhealthy interests.  Well, unhealthy in the amount of time I put into something that didn’t help me grow.   I played too many computer games, didn’t get out enough and sorta turned into a hermit for … a long time.   I was seeing a guy, who lived in Canada, and our best avenue for communication was internet based, so that’s where my time was spent.  Granted, the trips were a blast (and this is where I learned all about Canada eh) but that was my only outlet.  And I think I started to backslide.

They say you only grow when you challenge yourself.  (They say that right?  Or did that get pulled outta my wazoo?)  Well, I wasn’t.  I was sheltering myself and playing it easy.   Guarded.   And I lost a lot of what I used to have as a kid.   I was absolutely more bold and more confident as a kid than I am as an adult.   Now, I could hoo and haw about why and where it happened and what caused it.   But that won’t change the end result.   I have very little faith in myself.  About anything.

Confession Time: I’m self conscious about my weight and looks to the point of believing I won’t ever land a guy, which, at my age, starts to make me nervous.    I make a decent living, but not decent enough to afford a mortgage on my own – so I either need to snag some roommates … or a man.  LOL.   This bums me out too — probably because we’re brought up in a world of comparisons.   Too rarely can a person see their own wealth or value without comparing it to the norm around them.   The norm being that a girl should be married with kids by a certain age, or whatever else.   So I feel perpetually kid-like.   I’m the baby of my family, but I am also just … not on my own, not for lack of wanting, but just because well, finances suck.  Granted, my lifestyle as it is now allows me a lot of freedoms, that people on the other side of the fence will look at and go OMG, She is so lucky.  I mean, no commitments to man or child, no financial stresses, no boy-drama… nice eh?   Grass IS always greener I suppose.    Anyway, wow… so much for the idea of avoiding the emo.   I don’t even remember where I was going with this.

Ah, motivation.  Progress.  My feeling like I am stalling out on so many levels, and my desperation to find a way against that.

The two things I can be in absolute control of right now would be hockey and eating.   But, my confidence is shook.  I’m starting to think that because I’ve had a lack of progress these past few weeks on both, that it means I will never make progress again.  That I can never attain the goals I have for these things.

I want to skate better.   I know, that once I skate better, the rest will improve in big leaps.  I truly believe it’s my skating holding me back right now.   I feel like in the past 2 months I have made no show of improvement.  I still can’t stop facing left, or transition by turning left first, or… basically anything involving the left.   I feel like, since I am not making improvements, that I am getting worse at everything, and then I start feeling a metric tonne of pressure that I am going to let down team mates and make them, and the coaches regret putting me on the team.   This goes back to that stupid belief, that I am only worth something if I am /GOOD/ at it.  How about I’m worth something because I am good at being me?  And me is good?  Yeah.   Why is it that I know what advice to give myself but I refuse to take it?

Weightloss.   God.  This one irritates me to no end.  I can’t do it.   I don’t know why.  Well I do.  It’s because I have a few good days eating on target and then I have a temper tantrum and eat whatever I want.  I hate that I have to give up so much of what I like to eat, just to MAYBE … MAAAYBE be able to drop a size.   I succeeded at this before, dropped 63lbs in 18 months and was sitting at my healthy happy weight.  (Which is not an insane target… honestly.  I just want to be 130lb)    I feel like this is a futile battle.  That nothing I do will work.   I hate that it takes time to lose weight.  I hate that it takes my sacrificing things I’d like to eat, to do it.   I hate that I have convinced myself, that I am overweight and unattractive and that there’s nothing to be done about it.   I hate that in those moments I feel like there is something to be done about it, I can so quickly remind myself how I repeatedly fail on trying to get this back under control.

So… there, a big pile of fresh, steaming issues.   What I need to find is a shovel and a pooper bag to pick them up and throw them out.   It’s just … so much easier to walk away from them and pretend you didn’t see them in the first place.   I want to deal with them.   I guess I just want someone to tell me how to do it without getting crap on my hands.

“Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.”  – HAH!   LIES!

“Tell yourself to wait 15 minutes and see if you still want it.”  – I WANT IT MORE NOW, THANK YOU.  ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER YOU FOOL!

“Drink some water, it’s just your body confusing thirst with hunger.” – UM HELLO, THIS WATER DOES NOT TASTE AT ALL LIKE COOKIES.

“Distract yourself with another task.” – LIKE WRITING A BLOG POST THAT OUTLINES HOW BADLY YOU WANT THOSE TASTEY LITTLE MORSELS OF CHOCOLATELY GOODNESS?

Ok ok, vented.  Regroup.  Breathe breathe.   Hey, this is a good song on the net radio.   2.5 hours left of work – man the day is going by slowly.  No doubt because I have a big night tonight.

Evaluations for the Rampage!

I cannot BELIEVE I am doing this.   It’s really amazing when you stop and sort out the timeline of events in your life.  Even the more recent years.  For example.

January.   I wasn’t even wearing a pair of skates.  I didn’t even OWN a pair of skates.

February, went to watch a friend skate and take some pictures because I was (and still am) really into photography.  Listening to the sound of steel blades cutting into the ice surface, the whoosh of snow being sprayed after a hard stop.  The crack thud of the puck being passed and caught.  The Ting! of vulcanized rubber ricocheting of the goal post.   I didn’t realize how much I had enjoyed those things.  Even from a bystanders point of view.    Then there was the Hawks/Pens game.   The beginning of the new chapter.

March I grabbed a few friends to go to public skate, donning the charming rental skates and putting a few laps in.    By the end of March, I was asking the nice guy at Play it Again Sports to “Suit me up, I’m gonna learn to play hockey.”

Anyway, we’ve already talked about the rest of that journey from April through July.   The point is… in January, I had no idea that seven months later, I would be driving to an ice rink with gear and sticks in hand,  handing in my insurance proof and stepping out onto the ice so that I can play on an actual, real, official TEAM.   I’ll have a number on a jersey, with my name, and teammates that root me on, and laugh with me when I totally forget to grab the puck on a shootout.   In January, if you asked me what I’d be doing in August, I would have said, “Eh, playing games with my friends, trying to get healthy, probably skipping out on the gym.”   Instead, I get to say something that makes me proud of who I am and how much I’ve grown.

There are nerves too of course.  That lack of patience in myself, the need to seek perfection, the desire to never disappoint.  These are all things I’ll still have to learn how to cope with, but I’ll have a large, all-too-understanding support group.  ..That’s probably why we get along so well.  There’s a lot in common.

I already have upcoming plans for the rest of the year too, and the beginning of next year.  Of course, the season.   Also, a trip to the HHOF.  A trip to Pittsburgh to see the Cup champs home opener.   A visit to my dad down in Florida.   A pond hockey tournament in Eagle River.  Woosh.   That’s a lot to look forward to.

Btw.  15 minutes later, I am glad I ate the peaches and not the cookie.   Rarrrr!  Go me.

Aha, another 10 minutes and now I am at the less than two hours mark.  Which starts to pick up speed sometimes.     Plan for the night.  Get home, grill chicken, make couscous, heat veggie.   Organize gear.  Check new helmet to make sure it fits my head.  (Got a headache last night but I had that happen on my very first hockey clinic too, so I think it has to do with breaking in helmets.)   Leave house at 7:15.

What an adventure.

Now, if only losing weight were as easy as getting myself into playing hockey.  HAH!

Evaluations can be a total bear!

I had a wonderful vacation to the Pacific Northwest where I got to experience a record breaking heat wave.   More importantly, I spent eight wonderful days with my father and my sister.   We laughed, we sweated, we shared some beautiful scenery and made some life long memories.  I’m so thankful that I have the family I do- I know a lot of people aren’t blessed with such close bonds to their blood relatives, and I wouldn’t trade this in for the world.

It’s also left me thinking about next year, next trip and what else I want to do with my life.    Well, in that bucket list sort of ‘what to do with my life’.   (In truth, I’m kind of a coaster.   Or maybe a professional hobbyist.  I mean, my job is a job, not a career, but my current set up with life lets me do all the hobbies and sight seeing that I want to… and I don’t even know /what/ I would need to find in order to sacrifice this cozy little niche I have.  I like it here!)

I’ve seen 13 of the 58 National Parks in the US since deciding to do this NP Bucket List.  That’s 13 parks in four years.  Not bad really.   Except now we start hitting the more spread out parks and it won’t be as easy to tackle three parks in one week’s vacation.

My hockey has been going well.   Like most things, you’ll have your really on days and your really off days.   I agree with Maria on the idea of push ups and where the belong though, that’s for sure!  (In a bra, not on the ice.)  Actually, those muscles were quick to forgive me, it was the leg lifts that Vic did not allow us to put our hands under our butts for, that have really got me sore.  Still, that’s awesome.   It reminds me that I should not pay for personal training, I should stick with the hockey and do my own weight training at home.

I’ve rejoined WW (Weight Watchers) as of last Saturday.   Meetings and all.  Darn statistics telling me people who go to the meetings lose more.  That’s because when you pay $12 to have someone tell you, “Yup, you’re fatter than you were last week,” you start to really focus on what you’re doing.    I peeked at the scale this morning after the first 5 days of die-hard focusing on what I eat, when I eat and how much I eat.   (Thanks all you hockey folks for talking about, eating, and offering your greasy food and beer to me this week.  Grumble)   I’m down, as of this morning, 7lbs.   Granted, week one’s are like that, so I know it’s nothing OMG AWESOME.  But, well, it still is…. it’s just that I know not to expect that consistently.

Next week are evaluations for hockey.   I can’t lie and say that I’m not nervous.  It’s more about not knowing what to expect and expecting too much of myself.   (Expect should be a dirty word I think.)   It’s not even like you have a chance of NOT being on the team, it’s just to sort out the levels so everyone is playing with apples if they’re an apple, and with oranges if they’re oranges.   Makes sense.     What’s sad though, is the amount of clinics coming to an end.   Addison Wed is over.   I have 3 more Addison Thurs.   Rocket Monday will pick up again, which is nice ice time, but I wish the clinic was more intense.   It’s the same stuff every week, with not a lot of new stuff being worked on.   Granted, it’s time that I can slow down and focus on my issues… ya know, my Zoolander issue of not being able to turn both directions.  (Or stop.  Or transition.)  LOL.   I’m still very excited about the season though.

Also very surprised.   I feel like a different person than I was last year at this time.  I’m more bold.  A little more confidant. (I have a ways to go though, lordy).   And I’m less afraid to put myself out there to try things.   All in all, it’s been a VERY good spring and summer and I know I will look back on this year later in life and smile fondly at all it’s meant for me.

And just so you know, and since I am feeling sappy, but there are probably a good handful of you who are reading this, that have been absolutely integral to this year.  So thank you.  Big thank you.

That’s it for now.  Just had to dust off the old blogging fingers so that I can get back on track with this.

It began with a typical Saturday activity that was executed in an atypical way: Public Skating.

If we rewind the story to the very beginning, it involves a pair of forgotten skates, a need to back track 20miles or so, an excuse to then stop at Texas Roadhouse and then an hour long trip to get to the rink.   Why drive an hour for skating time?   Well, because we had another agenda as well- but the point is that we didn’t give up or abort the mission.

Arriving at the rink (and the mall it is attached to) we walked around for a while to scope out the situation.   There were a few sports stores that we’d hoped to find some specific gear at, and while we got closer to finding what we wanted, it wasn’t quite what we were after.    A brief stop for a scoop of mango ice cream and an Ice-ee and then it was back to skate.

It wasn’t very crowded at all, and rather uniquely, this place dimmed the lights and put on effects lighting and turned up the music.   That alone turns public skate into more fun public skate.    Then, out of my pocket I produce ‘IT’…     A large (not giant) size superball.    More fun public skate suddenly turned into amazingly fun public skate.

Bouncing the ball back and forth, two hours went by in a snap.   And a more amazing thing happened too!   Things I normally ‘practice’ during public skate, I started doing simply on instinct as I chased after the bouncing superball.   Catch, bounce, turn, catch, bounce, transition, bounce, miss… skate skate skate, stop at the boards, turn, bounce.   Look forward, dodge the kid, look back for ‘the pass’, skate up to get it off the glass, bend low and scoop up the rollers… it was amazing!

“But wait Mike, There’s More!”

Pick up hockey started at this rink at 9:30.   A young whip of a boy (about 24 or so I’d guess) ((Why am I calling a 24 year old ‘young’… crap!!))  Anyway, this kid comes out half dressed in his gear, obviously warming up before the pick up game.    He of course skates around like a little ice demon, but he keeps turning back to watch us in our improv game of ice catch.   One gets away from us and he retrieves it and sends it back.  From that point on, he’s part of our game.   The three of us bouncing the ball back and forth, skating, turning, chasing, laughing.   It was just really awesome.   It ended up being quite a work out really, and I totally forgot to remember my feet hate when I skate that long without stopping…

But it was so worth it!   Especially when the kid came up to us at the end of the session and said, “So you guys play hockey?”

I smiled.  (Much bigger on the inside than the outside of course.)

And while it was my friend that answered the question with an appropriate, “Yeah a little bit-  She just started, I’ve been at it for a few years.”

On the inside; my heart jumped and my smile grew as I felt  pride at the answer.

“Why yes, I do. “